Listen to the silence and you can hear forever.
Today I resigned.
I've alluded before to the fact that I haven't been comfortable back at work. I always felt I returned because I had to, not because I wanted to. Once back at work, I've felt incredibly torn between how I am defined - a mother, an architect, a designer. Up till now it's always been a relatively free definition, without much compromise or contradiction. But 2 children have changed the balance. I myself, the person I am, has changed the balance. I've been frustrated at my inability to lock down each role as I need to. Work crossed over into home life, and home life crossed over into work life, and I really felt I was being pulled in too many directions. Compromise is viscous.
I will always be an architect. It's the way I think, and the way I approach everything I do, and that doesn't stop when I walk out of an office. I will always design, whether that's in steel and FC sheet, or in fabric and fibre and paper. This doesn't soothe the immense fear (and excitement, they come together) I have of being out of the profession (in a traditional sense) I have spent 15 years being a part of, and working incredibly hard to advance in. I have been given opportunities that have been incredible, and exhilarating, and met amazing people who have changed my life. I will always return to that profession, I will never stop being an architect, nor stop doing architecture. Just for the moment, I will not be working in an office.
This has been a huge decision. It affects every part of our lives, and we're taking a financial risk to gain a life back. It has taken me months to come to this decision, and my tiredness has got a lot to do with this. It is draining mentally and physically to make this move to step into a different role - to throw everything up in the air and see how it falls back into some sort of order and place. The last few weeks as deadlines ran back to back at work, and the deadline for making my decision loomed in my head, it's been hard to focus on anything else.
I feel very protective of my profession and my career, and to a certain extent I feel I've let many of the women in the profession down - it is just too hard to fight a system which is nonsupporting of part time workers, and my family are too important to give the 5 or 6 days a week the profession would like of me. There is such a huge drop out rate of women in construction - something which seriously needs to be addressed as more senior women go on maternity leave and expect to return to a role they had before. At the moment it doesn't happen readily, and I know I've been incredibly lucky to have had a sympathetic and encouraging employer that has given me the roles and the respect my position deserves. But right now it's not enough.
This year has been completely about transitions. It's been about learning and seeing things for what lies beyond them. It's been about good, and bad. It's been a tough year, an aggressive year, and I've done a lot of thinking and exploring about what I want, what I believe in, what I agree with, and what I disagree with. At times that has been too much and the pressure of what I 'should be' has resulted in moments of letting off steam here. I fully believe though that questioning oneself and one's environment is good - if you don't question, you can't change. My heart - my fragile heart which beats such a strong song of passion and drive, wants to explore new mediums, and find something else.
I am taking time out from career woman. I will make, I will sew, I will sell, I will design, and I will still be an architect, only for ourselves to get our beach house designed and built. I will be a mother, I will have time for my children, and importantly for me, I will be there for my child at the school gates when he starts school next year. I think I might just, ever so slightly, have found a balance point of having it all.
And I am so relieved.
I have somewhere for my voice now.
Fall into a spin
Shed another skin
Strip away all of your protection
James - Sound
Well done. A brave and thoughtful decision. Wishing you all the best with what you are choosing to do.
Posted by: Jane | December 17, 2007 at 09:44 PM
Oh Congratulations Alison!!!!!!!!!!
Quitting my job for family was the hardest thing I ever did, it is scary, and thrilling, and the lack of money, sucks, but it's so much better for all of us.
I am so HAPPY for you! Bring LIFE on!
Posted by: Michelle | December 17, 2007 at 10:43 PM
you wrote my mind exactly. thank you.
Posted by: alice | December 17, 2007 at 10:46 PM
yeh congrat !!
good news for us, readers of this blog, more stuff to enjoy...no?
;o)
Posted by: karen | December 17, 2007 at 11:47 PM
Beautifully written thoughts Alison. It's uplifting to see you happy after that big decision.
Resigning from my full-time job was the best career decision I ever made.
How lucky to have the personal project of designing a beach house to keep your toes in the architecture profession. What fun. I look forward to seeing/hearing about all your new projects - especially those of the textile kind.
Posted by: Kristine | December 17, 2007 at 11:53 PM
Good luck and I hope your new direction is all you wish it to be!
Posted by: jac | December 18, 2007 at 12:20 AM
I am really pleased for you, and hope that you find the peace and fulfillment you are looking for as you begin this new chapter of your life! M&P must be delighted to have mummy around all the time, and I am excited to see the beach house develop under your masterful (mistressful?) eye.
Best wishes, Alison.
Posted by: Claudia | December 18, 2007 at 12:23 AM
When I got to the bit that said "I feel like I've let many of the women in the profession down" I had to say something...you've made the right choice, a very brave choice. A choice that I toil with everyday and wish I had the bottle to do it too. I'm sure you will love your new role and as in any new job, it takes a bit of getting used to but it'll be great! Have a lovely Christmas x
Posted by: Zoe | December 18, 2007 at 12:38 AM
Congratulations! I cannot help but admire you for having the courage to do what many of us mothers/women would love to do. I myself still struggle with the same decision to make, and reading this gives me lots of inspiration. I hope I will also soon be brave enough to take that necessary step to improving not just our family's lives, but our own as well. Thank you! And best wishes to you and your family!
Posted by: Jiwon | December 18, 2007 at 12:45 AM
Congratulations, both on the new directions your life is taking and the courage to make such a difficult decision. Your self-held accountability to other women in your profession strikes me as admirable, but I hope you don't mind if I take this opportunity to thank you for also being responsible to all women and making the choice that was right for you personally--and your family.
Posted by: Sulafaye | December 18, 2007 at 12:49 AM
(gee, my previous comment just didn't come across quite right. I meant thank you for being an example to women of taking care of yourself and being accountable to yourself first!)
Posted by: Sulafaye | December 18, 2007 at 12:50 AM
Just wanted to chime in as another architect mom. Luckily I have a super boss who allows me both a crazy regular schedule (4:30am-1:30pm - so I can pick up kids after school. M-Th) and is okay with me needing to leave work to pick up sick kids, or work at home when I have to. But it is a strain, trying to do your best wearing each of your hats. Especially when you have other interests as well that you're trying to fit in. You're not letting any of us down. I love designing buildings, but there is nothing more important that designing/guiding your children. Good luck!
Posted by: girlarchitect | December 18, 2007 at 01:32 AM
Delurking to say - good for you! I left medicine last year after 15 years (for good, in my case). It felt exactly like stepping off a cliff into thin air, but to my utter astonishment, it turns out that I really do have wings. I too feel the guilt about "not advancing the cause of women". I was willing to give up happiness and peace of mind to break trail when it was just me, but withold the best for my children? No.
Posted by: Ruth | December 18, 2007 at 01:46 AM
Thanks so much for sharing. I'm still preparing myself for having a first child but I'm pondering these things myself and it's great to hear good arguments for focusing on the profession of being a mother. Congratulations. I'm looking forward to seeing your variety of creations in the future!!
Posted by: Elena | December 18, 2007 at 01:59 AM
Hi, as a woman architect i Norway, with full time architect job, 4 kids (3-14y), I have to say that I respect your decision. But how are things to change? My daughters have to learn that a woman must work and earn money to be independent of her husband. My husband works full time also, but I would never dream of becoming finacially dependent on him! We have come a long way here with in Norway, because women have worked, earned money, demanding social rights because women contribute economically like men. I belive this is the hard facts - we will not get gender equality if women don't contribute to society like men do. When I read you blog, I see a very strong and independent woman. Maybe you can contribute to change the system by starting you own architect office? I sincerely hope your talent for architecture is not lost for this world! Alle my best, Wenche in Norway
Posted by: wenchequilts | December 18, 2007 at 02:04 AM
can you hear me clapping alison?
we just had a MAJOR profession / life change in our house and we couldn't be any happier. not a bit. congrats to you on making a wonderful (albeit hard) choice!
Posted by: tammie bennett | December 18, 2007 at 02:22 AM
I think this decision makes you even stronger for realizing that it's OKAY to listen to your heart and do what's right for you and your family! So many women feel those same pressures, even from other women---it is your decision to make, nobody elses...and I think you've made a wonderful choice :)
Posted by: Karen | December 18, 2007 at 02:50 AM
I hope you'll find it exhilarating and refreshing. love to you. k
Posted by: kate | December 18, 2007 at 03:12 AM
you are in a blessed position (even if you dont know it :) and Max and Pia will be only two of the beneficiaries. moreover, you are a strong and brave person, one that I admire...
Posted by: stinkerbell | December 18, 2007 at 03:51 AM
You will not regret this.
From a mom who raised five...I can tell you how quickly the time went. I scarcely took a breath.
Blessings on you.
Posted by: Dawn | December 18, 2007 at 04:02 AM
Hooray for you! Deep down I'd like to do the same, but don't have the courage just yet.
Posted by: beki | December 18, 2007 at 04:23 AM
congratulations on this immense step you are taking. it is very brave and although i cannot speak from any kind of experience with these issues (not having any kids yet) i do thank you for setting the example that it is okay to step back from the career world and for taking such a beautiful and courageous step towards finding a balance that (i can only imagine) is extremely difficult to achieve.
good luck.
Posted by: julia | December 18, 2007 at 04:26 AM
Good for you. Do keep your hand in though. I'm finding after being at home for almost 3 years that I've lost confidence and I'm not the business-thinker I used to be. Things change and have to change in life, but it was such a huge part of my life for so many years that I do feel it's been lost.
I am constantly told by my husband what a great job I do with our daughter and he is perfectly happy me being at home, but I do miss my complete independence, both physically and financially. Am having a bad week......
Posted by: kirsty | December 18, 2007 at 04:47 AM
Another fellow architect mum. Our profession is really crazy isn't it! I can't really say i'd give it up totally as well, even though the crazy hours and lack of sleep kinda makes me want to just throw in the towel some days. I'm sure it's the right decision that you've made, and i do believe our training has taught us much more about life than just making buildings work. Good luck and i'm so happy you're on my bloglines!!! :)
jacqueline
Posted by: jacqueline yeo | December 18, 2007 at 04:54 AM
I congratulate you on making this tough decision. I've made a similar decision and am so happy with it! I *love* being able to be there for my son whenever he needs me, I love being able to volunteer for things at his school without having to shoehorn it into my calendar. And I love that (normally) I'm not being torn toward three different directions at once, I'm much more relaxed now. Time is the greatest gift. Enjoy!
Posted by: Amanda | December 18, 2007 at 05:19 AM