October 6th 2006
Dear Mummy, (herein referred to as The Owner)
I am writing to inform you that I will not be able to vacate the property located within the middle section of Your Body as noted in our contract dated January 1st 2006. Under the aforementioned contract, it was anticipated that the lease period would end on October 7th 2006. For various personal reasons I have not been able to achieve that date for vacating. Under Section 3 of the Tenants Rights Act, I wish to invoke Clause 5.1 which allows the tenant an additional 14 days tenancy with no ramifications or penalties due.
In accordance with the original lease, the premises will be left in good condition. I reserve the right to take with me various fixtures - namely the kitchen (herein referred to as The Placenta) and associated plumbing installed at my expense. All walls will be made good. In return I leave the premises clean and all floors will be steam cleaned prior to departure. I leave also any renovation works carried out by myself , including any additional rooms (inclusive of deck and jacuzzi).
Yours faithfully,
October 7th 2006
Dear Petite 6.5st, (herein referred to as The Squatter)
We acknowledge receipt of your correspondence dated 6th October 2006 and wish to inform you of the Owners intention to take the property by force if necessary, and that due to previous experience will refute your claim to Squatters Rights for a period of 14 days. You will have received prior notification from a third party (herein referred to as The Acupuncturist) that eviction proceedings were begun on October 6th 2006 in a small room off King Street. The Owner wishes to inform you that these current proceedings will continue for a period of 4 days. If you still remain within the property after that date, additional force will be used at a date to be determined, but no later than October 17th 2006. A meeting to determine additional action took place on October 4th 2006 with a follow up meeting to take place October 11th 2006, wherein notification will be sent to you of those plans and any critical dates for you to note.
We once again stress that it is in all parties best interests for you to vacate the premises at your earliest. The Owner has provided numerous incentives, copies of which are noted in Appendices i, ii, and iii, and believes your stay has been comfortable and enjoyable, but that it is time for you to move on.
Yours Faithfully,
Ditto to all the above in regards to hilarity, good wishes and much thought your way. Hang in there mum and get outta there kiddo. xxx
Posted by: sooz | October 09, 2006 at 11:35 AM
ROFL
Hope all goes well for you.
ANd don't believe the occupants letter, the walls will bever be quite the same again and they may start the cleanup but it continues for ages afterward.
Posted by: Bronwen | October 09, 2006 at 03:51 PM
ROFL sooo so funny but I am sure you are not feeling that at all! my neice was late, she was having trouble finding shoes to go with her bag. wishing you all the luck in the world! Curry laksa?
Posted by: Miss Dot | October 09, 2006 at 07:26 PM
Oh, Alison, that is TOO funny. I'll be thinking about it and grinning all day.
Posted by: Norma | October 09, 2006 at 11:06 PM
Cracking up. LOVE the squatter reference!
Posted by: Kelli | October 10, 2006 at 03:39 AM
God, I wish I had known 4 years ago that you could write a letter for this kind of situation! Geez...I just sat around and waited like a big dummy. Hope your letter works! ;-)
Posted by: Niki | October 10, 2006 at 06:54 AM
very professionally handled. Good luck- I hope you don't need to call in further legal assistance on this one. Nice to know that your property is so well loved!
Posted by: di | October 10, 2006 at 07:59 AM
omygosh...could you do something about my squatter! good luck alison...i feel your pain. xox...arc
Posted by: arc | October 10, 2006 at 12:15 PM
That is so funny, I hope your Petite squatter leaves the premises soon, waiting is no fun!
Posted by: yvette | October 10, 2006 at 04:29 PM
Too funny. Can't wait to see pictures of Petite:0) It's almost over!
Posted by: Jeanie | October 11, 2006 at 10:03 AM
That is HILARIOUS!!!!
Thank goodness you still have your sense of humour. I suppose that's all you can have left with a squatter refusing to budge.
You've just inspired a painting. I love it.
All the best for a successful eviction.
Posted by: michelle giacobello | October 11, 2006 at 05:20 PM
And here I was hoping to see news of petite's arrival. The letters are truly funny. Here's to wishing a speedy and safe eviction! Good luck!
Posted by: Tami | October 12, 2006 at 02:22 AM
haaaaaaaaa! laughing, al.
Posted by: lisa | October 12, 2006 at 06:52 AM
HA! That is the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time!
Mine was 2 weeks late.
Posted by: maize | October 12, 2006 at 06:58 AM
What a brilliant post! You have a wonderful sense of humour. I hope that all is now going well with the new addition to your family.
Posted by: SusieC | October 24, 2006 at 10:13 PM
I think you are crazy. Who really cares whether or not you breast feed? I wasn't, none of my generation were. We're alright. Stand up straighter, and cop it sweet love. It's gonna be a whole lot worse in the teenage years.
Posted by: Chris | November 15, 2006 at 11:16 PM