When I found out I was pregnant, I was quite overwhelmed with the ideas of how my child would be, the life we would lead, the things we would do, the sort of mother I would be, how I was raised and the everlasting images I have from my own childhood. I don't think there's anything unusual in those feelings, and I'm sure any mother would say they had the same, or similar thoughts. It was when I was first pregnant and struggling with the onslaught of morning sickness and tiredness which swept over me uncontrollably all day every day that I picked up the knitting needles again after an absence of a few years. There was within me, a deep need to connect to this child, who felt alien and not a real part of me yet. Somehow making something would make it easier for me to deal with the reluctance of my body to allow me to enjoy my pregnancy. And there was a feeling that if I made something for my child, I would ultimately be a better mother for having done that, because obviously, I cared more for my child, because I was prepared to do something entirely for It. It's an irrational thought, but given the amount of 'perfect parenting' propoganda in the press and thrown at us, it makes perfect sense as well even if it's a theory which continues to be tested with every new corner we turn.
I still have the items I made for this little baby, tucked away in a beautiful linen bag bought in a small shop in a small village in the hills near St Raphael in France - another momento bought to connect with something that seemed so unreal. That little bag brings together so many hopes, dreams, and memories. My next child will wear the item as well, and again, it will be put back into the little bag and kept in my drawer where I can take it out and be reminded of the beauty a newborn baby has.
What I desperately wanted to make though was a quilt. A momento of love, of mother/child relationships, bound together with simple stitches and hand picked materials, each stitch a new dream, hope or secret divulged. Unfortunately the tiredness prevailed and the small space we lived in was incompatible with large scale works, and the quilt never got made. And I, in turn, felt I had somehow let my child down by not making this item. Recently though my thoughts have returned to the preciousness of handmade items and the meaning they capture, and that it needn't be something which has to be made for a child's birth, but can be made purely for the hell of it, at any age, and that might give it more meaning, because it's outside any preconceived ideas of acceptance of gift, and was done, because - because I had the time, the will, the desire, the need, right then, right there.
To this end, I have been searching for the right moment, the right collection of materials, to make my child something which I hope will mean something to him, and which will keep him warm, if not in the physical sense, then in the heart warming sense. I came across some hand screen printed fabric done by a local Sydney lady - both pieces at the top of the photo - and fell in love with them immediately.
Combined with some green spotted cotton from my boxes, some Nani Iro red spotted fabric, and some Kaffe Fasset stripey material, this is turning into a large stripey quilt of circles, and patterns, and roads to travel. It will be quilted - my first quilted piece - and as I stitch my thoughts wander to ideas that Max will lie in bed some nights, and trace the stitches with his fingers and dream.
That is so sweet! I hope it all goes swimmingly, good luck. I'm sure he's going to love it.
Posted by: Nichola | August 30, 2005 at 10:12 AM
Do it for the satisfaction of your child one day telling a friend, "My mommmy made this for me".
Posted by: P | August 30, 2005 at 12:26 PM
I really love that you feel that way about a quilt--I think sometimes people don't understand all the love and warmth that goes into just making a quilt for someone you love. I'm sure your son will treasure it for years and years to come; knowing that someone he loves so much made it especially for him! Not to mention, it'll have such beautiful fabrics! :)
Posted by: Sarah | August 30, 2005 at 02:30 PM
You wrote that so well... and with so much love, that I nearly cried all of my tears out. I felt so much the same as you describe when I was pregnant with my daughter. You just put it into words so much better than I ever could. Thanks for sharing this post with us. It certainly touched my heart a great deal. Hugs, Ez
Posted by: Ez | August 30, 2005 at 03:00 PM
What a beautiful post.I can't wait to see the finished quilt from that amazing fabric. Most of the things I make are for my children and what you wrote today captured my feelings about the whole process too.
Posted by: suburbansider | August 30, 2005 at 03:52 PM
I have the chills....that was beautiful, as is the quilt. I feel a strong connection to this entry, which I'm guessing most moms will feel. Thanks for putting it into words and onto the screen.
Posted by: joy madison | August 30, 2005 at 05:47 PM
Beautifully written, Alison! Max is a lucky, lucky boy. I love the colors and can't wait to see the progress.
Posted by: Jackie | August 30, 2005 at 09:50 PM
just beautiful. exactly what a quilt should be...
Posted by: jenn | August 31, 2005 at 05:12 AM
that entry was beautiful and perfectly written. it brought tears to my eyes as i thought about what my pregnancy will be like. thank you for such a poetic take on motherhood and quilting!
Posted by: sue | August 31, 2005 at 06:45 AM
that is so beautiful and i totally understand where you are coming from. I knitted a blanket for my little man with the same thoughts - he grew bigger than the blanket very fast, but it is something to keep and be cherished. and those fabrics, just gorgeous.
Posted by: Taryn | August 31, 2005 at 08:57 AM
ohhh lovely fabric, lovely story
Posted by: moki | August 31, 2005 at 09:30 AM
i totally connected with everything you have said in this post. so beautifully written and thoughtful. i am sure he will love the quilt too. I still have Otilija's half finished quilt and never started one for orlando - though of course with the intention to do so one day.
Posted by: kath | August 31, 2005 at 04:19 PM
wow. i can't wait to see the finished quilt!! this is so exciting.
Posted by: Lisa | September 01, 2005 at 04:01 AM
Oh goodness, that part about Max tracing the stitches with his fingers just about made me cry. Beautiful.
Posted by: Toni | September 01, 2005 at 08:17 AM
Such a lovely post. I love this part the most,
"preciousness of handmade items and the meaning they capture, and that it needn't be something which has to be made for a child's birth, but can be made purely for the hell of it, at any age, and that might give it more meaning"
Well said! I can't wait to follow along as you complete this special project.
Posted by: myra | September 01, 2005 at 06:39 PM
what a beautiful beautiful post! it seriously (and geekily!) brings tears to my eyes when people realise the *importance* of handmaking things.
the finished product is going to be *incredible* i'm sure, not just because you made it with your own two hands, but because it will also contain the story of the creation of your child.
Posted by: betsy | September 05, 2005 at 03:47 PM
that's a beautiful story. i can totally relate. when i am sewing a baby blanket i feel closer to the spirit that will eventually attain it. well written too. i am glad that you often put down the knitting needles to pick up the pen and share something with us.
Posted by: em.s | November 22, 2007 at 06:30 AM