A LITTLE EDGE

Deep sigh.
Deep sigh.

Deep sigh deep sigh deep sigh.
If I stare long enough at the screen, the blog post might just write itself, and then I wouldn't be so fidgety about needing to find the right words to explain this tight little edge I stand on tonight. It's as if tomorrow the whole world tilts across another axis, to resettle on Thursday in a new order.

I'm over drammatising things. But it's kind of really weird this 'thing' of stopping work. Tomorrow is my last day. And then it stops. No more security key. No more lattes made by Eddie. No more walks to and from the car across a park watching people play cricket and walking their dogs. One less tug of the balance scales. In the last few months I've talked to many people about why I'm doing this and what I hope to get out of stopping work for another 12 months. The response has overwhelmingly been one of sincerity that this is absolutely a good thing to do. And that's been so nice. While my decision took a long time to make, I am completely comfortable with it. I really do think I hit upon a way of having it all, and that makes me very happy. It takes a lot to admit this is not an ideal way of working/living, and strength to turn around and walk away from it. But in doing so I am opening up to so many more possibilities.

Tomorrow is another ending as well, and this one makes me really emotional. It's Max's last day at daycare. I think there's a certain symmetry in mother and son completing one section of their lives and moving into another. I am very proud to be there by his side in this. Max's little life at daycare has echoed my time in my office. He's as much a deep part of his place as I am a part of mine. He's been there since they opened. In that time he has had the most wonderful kind passionate teachers who have nurtured all the children, taught respect, engaged them and befriended them. It will be sad watching him walk back out the doors tomorrow evening, but I know he does so happy, full of charm and wit, and with an eagerness to leap into school life.

Deep down, I'm not ready for my little boy to grow up, and here he is, bounding around, so excited to be starting school that he wore his school shoes all evening along with his school hat. He's so keen to start learning, to be a 'big' boy and be part of this grown up world. I share his excitement totally - I am there with him every moment of this. I will be bursting just as much as he on his first day of school next week. And having spent the last 5 years saying I wouldn't cry on his first day [of course I wouldn't cry! I'll be excited for him, thrilled and happy and I'll never cry! Oh no, not me!], I know I will. It was all I could do to not cry during every single parent information session, sitting on those little chairs. The enormity of what he is embarking on, just gets me every time.

I'm hoping a few more mothers join me in crying too, just so I don't feel quite so alone...because there's nothing worse than being the only one crying at the school gates. Even if it is with joy.

Comments

[amisha]

i am so excited for you AND max, going into this next phase of your respective lives, together and apart, growing. xox