A LITTLE EDGE

Deep sigh.
Deep sigh.

Deep sigh deep sigh deep sigh.
If I stare long enough at the screen, the blog post might just write itself, and then I wouldn't be so fidgety about needing to find the right words to explain this tight little edge I stand on tonight. It's as if tomorrow the whole world tilts across another axis, to resettle on Thursday in a new order.

I'm over drammatising things. But it's kind of really weird this 'thing' of stopping work. Tomorrow is my last day. And then it stops. No more security key. No more lattes made by Eddie. No more walks to and from the car across a park watching people play cricket and walking their dogs. One less tug of the balance scales. In the last few months I've talked to many people about why I'm doing this and what I hope to get out of stopping work for another 12 months. The response has overwhelmingly been one of sincerity that this is absolutely a good thing to do. And that's been so nice. While my decision took a long time to make, I am completely comfortable with it. I really do think I hit upon a way of having it all, and that makes me very happy. It takes a lot to admit this is not an ideal way of working/living, and strength to turn around and walk away from it. But in doing so I am opening up to so many more possibilities.

Tomorrow is another ending as well, and this one makes me really emotional. It's Max's last day at daycare. I think there's a certain symmetry in mother and son completing one section of their lives and moving into another. I am very proud to be there by his side in this. Max's little life at daycare has echoed my time in my office. He's as much a deep part of his place as I am a part of mine. He's been there since they opened. In that time he has had the most wonderful kind passionate teachers who have nurtured all the children, taught respect, engaged them and befriended them. It will be sad watching him walk back out the doors tomorrow evening, but I know he does so happy, full of charm and wit, and with an eagerness to leap into school life.

Deep down, I'm not ready for my little boy to grow up, and here he is, bounding around, so excited to be starting school that he wore his school shoes all evening along with his school hat. He's so keen to start learning, to be a 'big' boy and be part of this grown up world. I share his excitement totally - I am there with him every moment of this. I will be bursting just as much as he on his first day of school next week. And having spent the last 5 years saying I wouldn't cry on his first day [of course I wouldn't cry! I'll be excited for him, thrilled and happy and I'll never cry! Oh no, not me!], I know I will. It was all I could do to not cry during every single parent information session, sitting on those little chairs. The enormity of what he is embarking on, just gets me every time.

I'm hoping a few more mothers join me in crying too, just so I don't feel quite so alone...because there's nothing worse than being the only one crying at the school gates. Even if it is with joy.

Comments

[Vonnie]

Awww love - if it's any consolation I bawled my little heart out a year and a half ago when I abandoned my baby for his first day at school. I'd just enough time to reapply some mascara that had been snottered off before going to collect him when he spent the next six hours regaling me with tales of his triumphs. I also left my two younger babies at daycare last week for the first time and I'm still struggling to deal with the 'I'm not needed now' feeling too.

You're raising an amazing human being, there.

[stinkerbell]

tap dance on the edge love...

[Hyena In Petticoats]

Oh, sweetheart.....

Take a deep breath....

And know that you (and Max) will be fine.

I'm thinking of you...

Leah xxx

[KT]

I'll cry at the gate with you.

[charlotte]

I cried my entire first day of school after mum left. I'm sure Max won't. Of course you will. And of course all the other mums will too.
Don't wear mascara. And do take a small linen hanky. If you don't have one you could always make one. You could even cross-stitch your initials on it. Every handbag of my mother's I've been through (oh and there were many) - each had its own linen hanky (and packet of sucral).

[Donna]

Hi, I totally understand what a huge thing starting school is...for the parent! When my youngest started school for the first time I was so afraid I'd cry all day I told all my friends so they arranged to take me for coffee. It is an excellent distraction. So, my advice would be...have something planned for right after you say your first goodbye...

[Donna]

Hi, I totally understand what a huge thing starting school is...for the parent! When my youngest started school for the first time I was so afraid I'd cry all day I told all my friends so they arranged to take me for coffee. It is an excellent distraction. So, my advice would be...have something planned for right after you say your first goodbye...

[kirsten]

well, i'll be doing my best to hold it in till i get back home so i can have a good old howl in my bedroom!! like you, i am super excited about this next phase of tom's life but there is an inevitable grief of leaving the last phase behind. my school boy. wow.

[kirsten]

oh. and happy last day at "work" for you! hope it proves to be merely a stepping stone in the next phase of YOUR life. love to you, girl.

[Nicole]

I don't have children, but reading your post, I got a little misty-eyed too, imagining what you and other amazing mother-friends of mine go through with their wee ones. That's one of the most amazing things about this whole blog thing, we get meaningful little glimpses into the wide, beautiful world of human experiences. Even though I won't experience the same things as you, I can empathize, and understand, and feel connected.

Thanks for sharing!

[jessica]

you are so sweet. your words make me excited for my own max's firstday of school. but at the same time my eyes are filling just thinking about it.
your children are so lucky.

[joanna]

i am full of envy...=) i hope one day i can call the day "my last day at work", and hopefully as my siu momo grows up, i can spend more time at home with her.

[Kristen]

Yep, I'll be blubbling all day long on thursday (just like his first day of preschool). Jack wore his new school shoes all day today too!

[Shula]

You will cry like a total girl.

I did, and I NEVER cry.

And then you'll be fine.

If not, email me immediately.

[nonlineargirl]

Just thinking about it makes me a little misty. I am a few years from real school, but I get teary when my toddler talks proudly about her (pre)school, her friends and doing things on her own.

What a sweet milestone.

[Susana]

Wishing you strength across the oceans...if you stare at the waves today you'll see some extra push and pull and it's my hug to you. Cry. Let it out, be alive with joy, sorrow, and unexplicable tearing at your heart.

[michelle]

Hope your endings went well, your beginnings are joyful, and the in-betweens peaceful.

[rebecca]

Oh goodness what an emotional day - hope all went well and all the tears were happy ones!

[Mama Urchin]

Maybe you need some new shoes too, that might help. Seriously though, you're both about to embark on a new adventure, try to enjoy it.

[make and do]

i will be in the same position next week too, and haven't stopped thinking about it from the moment i wake to the moment i sleep.

my mantra: The only thing constant in life is change" Rochefoucald.

good luck, take a pair of sunglasses!

makeanddo

[joyce]

oh you have to cry! it's the thing to do when your child goes off to school all by themselves... i cried when it was only pre-school...i'm sure i will really cry when it's kindergarten...

[sooz]

lol.

Laugh

Cry

Round and round, up one hill and speeding down another.

You certainly won't be alone.

And since I am late to the post, happy first day of the next bit.

[martha]

he's going to take that school by storm. They're always ready way before we are ready for them to go:)
Enjoy this new phase of your career and life!

[manda]

crying,.,.. absolutely.

[Tiel]

I certainly will be joining you. I have one starting school and the other starting kindy.