MY NOTHING

This feels a little like cheating.
Cute scarf. Cute wool. Cute child. Cute finished.
[god I love this child. both children. just total love]
Mother - missing in action somewhere, lost completely for words and feeling very much like she doesn't exist and, well, feeling, a bit like -
Nothing.
Just nothingness. Words constantly edited back and posts deleted. Just flat nothingness. I have this horrible feeling I could just disappear into vapourish mist.....swallowed up by exploding ideas and nonsensical lyrics in my head all wanting to get out in a bottle neck. I write wonderful things in my head while out walking. That doesn't count. Or while I'm working. That doesn't count either. I feel heavy and wooden, and so very tired. And then I want to desperately show you what I'm making, and tell you the reasons why, and that there is such lovely things going on, and things I have planned. And my words are failing me.
Maybe for a little while I can just let photos speak, till I find my way, my voice, my reason, and my words.

Comments

[jessica]

dear, sweet mama. you took the words right out of my mouth. nothing to say, but you said it all.

[john]

deep breaths, girlie. deep breaths. everything passes eventually and gives way to something else. nothing lasts that long. NOTHING.

[manda]

Even when saying nothing, you manage to say it all. xx

[Hyena In Petticoats]

Honey, don't even worry your head about it.

That feeling happens to us all - the witty things we transcribe in our heads that never make it to the keyboard, the feeling of being lost in a big wide world with only a little bit of knitting to keep us warm......

Your pictures speak volumes, and your words, when they happen, are perfect just as they are.

Take care,

Leah xxx

[Alex]

I think letting your photos speak for a while would be the equivalent of deeply breathing... do that. When there are too many ideas fighting in your head, step back, take a break.

[christina(apronstrings)]

i love the pictures just fine. ; )

[Sarah]

Yes. I understand. It will be okay. That's what I keep telling myself.

[Jo]

just photos and few words for a while would be wonderful - when you're ready we'll be here to read your words... lovely scarf! lovely Pia! and lovely wool! (btw)

[Patricia]

When your mind is in overload and the conversation is your head doesn't stop. It is time to go within, and this is when your crafts help and give you calm. No need to talk to us or keep us updated, we are always around anyway.

[Patricia]

Sorry!! I meant to write 'conversation "in" your head, in the above comment

[sarah]

oh i know what you mean, my head is often filled with imaginary posts that never see the light of day, your pictures are more than enough xxx

[Rebecca]

ditto - hence the lack of posts.

ps I agree with manda X

Your work, your process and your photos are always so clear and true that they can certainly speak for you when you need them to.

(((hugs)))

[ali]

take time, your voice will return, when it's ready. until then, lose yourself in all those lovely things that are going on, take some deep breaths and above all, rest. your beautiful photos and work will say what needs to be said in the meantime.

[kirsten]

sweet scarf and sweet girl. and sweet mother. tis the season for madness. and exhaustion. and sleeplessness. and writer's block!

[cari]

love, love, so much love for you, my friend.

[ann bishop]

Have you spoken to your Dr about this?
Perhaps you should run it past him or her in case there's a health reason you are feeling so run down.
I'm sure your online fans will forgive you if you aren't up to posting we will all be here when you return.
My personal case of exhaustion and disinterest turned out to be my Thyroid.

[Quatrefoil]

Hi, I've been enjoying your blog for a while now, and this post worried me. I'm not a doctor, but I have suffered from depression, and been successfully treated. This sounds like depression to me, possibly post-natal depression which can affect mothers within a couple of years after the birth of a baby. I know a very good psychologist in your area who bills through medicare. If you want to email me privately, I'll give you details. Depression is an illness and is very susceptible to treatment. My thoughts are with you.

[michele]

photos work for me! you'll find words again and i have good faith in you.

[Shula]

Pictures are just fine, thanks.

[Charlotte]

I was thinking the other day how wonderful your writing is and how crap my comments read following the perfect flow - the brilliant words - the eloquence of your blog. My writing always feels so clumpy following a taste of yours :)

if it's any help - and I'm sure it's not - but I am feeling very very strange indeed. wondering if I might have pnd - and I realised I haven't even grieved for my mother yet - but it is beginning...

be well xox

[michelle]

It's a terrible thing really, that all this frantic busyness happens at the end of the year when we are all feeling so tired, and the weather is getting suddenly, so much hotter.

As a mother, even a trip to the beach becomes a minor project, not the carefree frolic that is was when we were little. There is no respite

I think, despite the all-consuming love and overflowing joy our children invoke, a tiny holiday from mothering would be a wonderful thing. If only there was time.

I love the pictures-only blog idea. You may strat a revolution with that one. ;)

[Charlotte]

forgot to say - love the gorgeous scarf - it suits Pia (and her cool outfit) down to the ground.

[kate]

I checked in to see what you were up to today, and found that you are feeling very much like me... maybe it's Christmas, maybe its being a mum and trying to be everything to everyone especially at this time of the year but I am SO hearing what you are saying! go easy on yourself...

[joyce]

lovely scarf...maybe i'll knit this pattern for my sister...
photos can talk too...