1
A year ago.
Thirty six years ago. *
Who are these two? Are they the same, or are they seperate?
The answer is both.
Thirty six years ago [just to be clear, it's not my birthday, you'll have to wait till next year for that :) ] I was growing up half a world away in a different culture, with a different accent, with different expectations. I walked around with my hands tucked into my dungarees. My language was different. My best friend was called Beth. My best toy was a full size doll called Florence. I used to peek through a hole in the fence to watch the two girls next door - who would be such an integral part of my desire to hold onto my life in this other country that they became, for a while, a part of me without ever knowing it - and they would make me daisy chains.
A year ago I was holding on tight to a couple of precious people who were emailing me and giving me the best advice and wisdom and calming words for the anxiety I was feeling about what appeared to be long drawn out pre-labour. A year ago today I met Kristen in a playground and our boys played. During that afternoon pre-labour became labour, and quickly became full on intense labour. And the most amazing experience ever, particularly after the trauma of Max's birth.
And then she was with us.
This little girl, so determined, so beautiful and engaging. Her mind is her own, always has been, and she is very clear what she likes and dislikes. She loves anything with egg or ricotta in it. She adores the red car we have in the backyard that she can ride in. She wants to do whatever Max does. She wants to be outside, playing, running, exploring. She is confident, and assured, and older than her 12 months. She has a wonderful heart felt giggle and laugh. She has a head of small curls. And she loves pushing furniture around to the edges of rooms and space. She has an intense look of consternation on her face sometimes. And the most gorgeous garble of sounds. She likes to dangle things around her neck - clothes, tape measures, circular knitting needles, chains.
I look at her and often I see me, and am constantly disappointed no one else sees that. I see the side of me I keep internalised on display for all the world with her. Our last year together has been one of intense mother love for a child. I am far more conscious of what Pia has the capacity to become than with her brother, and also far more conscious of maintaining equilibrium in how I raise the two of them. I feel Pia attached intrinsically to me through generations of maternal lineage, we are one and the same person, and you never quite get that till you have children. How deeply attached they can be, despite being their own person. This year has been an incredible year of growth for both of us - all of us as a family. This first year, which has gone by so fast, and all at once I am sad for the year which can't be regained, and so incredibly excited for the rest of her life, which she will share with us.
Happy birthday my poppet - I am you and you are me.
* A day late for Flashback Friday, I hope you'll forgive the need to write on Pia's birthday instead.
beautifully written
Posted by: michele | October 13, 2007 at 07:16 AM
Awww, happy birthday Pia! Can't believe she's 1 already. And oh how she looks like you (when you were 1!) ;)
Posted by: Zoe | October 13, 2007 at 07:26 AM
such beautiful words that have made me teary-eyed at the very thought of having such a deep, loving connection with my own little daughter in the not too distant future, the thought of being a 'mother' and all that it means.
a very happy birthday to precious little Pia :)
Posted by: ali | October 13, 2007 at 07:31 AM
happy ONE!
and you do look exactly alike here:)
Posted by: martha | October 13, 2007 at 07:34 AM
This is so heart-achingly beautiful. Beautiful because, well, it is. Heart aching because even though I recognize the beauty it feels so far from my present experience of my own children, both in years and emotion.
Hold onto the beauty, Alison. It can be as hard to recapture as the time.
Happy birthday, Pia. All my best to you and your Mama on this special day.
Posted by: Sarah | October 13, 2007 at 07:41 AM
Lovely words. Lovely girls.
Happy birthday Pia!
Posted by: Collette | October 13, 2007 at 07:42 AM
Happy birthday Pia!
Posted by: Rosa Pomar | October 13, 2007 at 07:48 AM
Happy birthday to that beautiful girl! Has it been a year already?!
Posted by: cari | October 13, 2007 at 07:55 AM
Happy birthday to Pia! I expect she'll get some handmade loveliness for her present! Your articulation of the mother-child bond is so beautiful it makes me a sad that I'm probably not going to experience it. I'm 40 now and expect I've left me run too late! Damn that career that ended up being unfulfilling!
Posted by: greenolive | October 13, 2007 at 08:43 AM
So beautifully written. -kb
Posted by: kelly | October 13, 2007 at 08:59 AM
today is my daughters first birthday also! 12 october 2006 was a magical day for baby girls. it is amazing to watch them grow and become themselves, isn't it. she has taught me more about myself than anyone else.
happy "birthing" day to you!
Posted by: kate | October 13, 2007 at 10:12 AM
Oh my goodness, I cannot believe it's already been a year! Happy happy birthday to you Pia. You really are your mother's daughter.
Posted by: Bertha | October 13, 2007 at 11:38 AM
You have such a unique and personnal way to observe and express the world out/and/inside you. Realising, understanding, be conscious.
This photo-diptych and your text with it really prouves a "generations of maternal lineage".
my best wishes to you and Pia.
Posted by: dimitris (giovdim) | October 13, 2007 at 11:43 AM
Oh! Happy Birthday Miss Pia.
A whole year!
Wow!
Enjoy!
Posted by: Violet & Rose | October 13, 2007 at 12:47 PM
Paroles magnifiques. And thanks for celebrating so much more than your daughter's birthday with those words... Life, love, motherhood, time, all those concepts you redefine when you become a mom...
Joyeux anniversaire Pia!
Posted by: Noa | October 13, 2007 at 02:28 PM
Happy Birthday little Pia. It's been great getting to know you and your Mum at the same time! And of course we love playing with Max too, he's a great adventure pal for Jack.
Posted by: Kristen | October 13, 2007 at 03:22 PM
happy 1st birthday to your sweet little pia.
Posted by: joyce | October 13, 2007 at 03:27 PM
Happy birthday Pia! You so lucky to have each other :-)
Posted by: Jill | October 13, 2007 at 03:32 PM
oh that made me cry :)
she sounds wonderful **
Posted by: Charlotte | October 13, 2007 at 06:54 PM
Happy Birthday 'lil Al! Hugs from Auntie Nicole!xx
Posted by: Nicole | October 13, 2007 at 07:32 PM
Happy Birthday 'lil Al! Hugs from Auntie Nicole!xx
Posted by: Nicole | October 13, 2007 at 07:32 PM
Oh, how wonderful! I remember last year, waiting for the post to say she had been born . . . perfect petite Pia - Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Melissa | October 13, 2007 at 07:49 PM
So wonderfully written. A mother-child bond is extremely special and a mother-daughter bond has to be felt to be believed. Happy birthday to Pia who looks so like her mum.
Posted by: Julie | October 13, 2007 at 07:57 PM
OMG it's been 1 year already ?
i cannot believe she is "that' big - happy 1st birthday to Pia, and you at the same time ;o)
love the picture of you, hands in the pockets, so cool and cute ! ;o)
Posted by: karen (toronto) | October 13, 2007 at 09:05 PM
Happy 1st Birthday Pia!
Posted by: Clare | October 13, 2007 at 09:18 PM