LET ME WRAP YOU UP CLOSE

Soft, fluffed, felted, cloudy puff of wool linen swatch.
When the mega cone of this arrived from Habu, I wasn't sure how it would go, it felt tweedy, slightly harsh, perhaps, and it came right when I was having a little bit of an altercation with the Rowan Yorkshire 4ply Tweed, and I was wary.
I figured I'd do a little swatch...just to see...just to test...
This fibre is beautiful. It is very, very soft, wrap you up in cotton wool fluffy, felted enough to be tweedy without the harshness, and light as a puff of cloud. I'm staring at it, wanting to desperately take needles and wool and cast on and feel it's softness wrap around me.

I feel a little like I'm constantly working in extremes at the moment. On the one hand there is the Silk Stainless Steel jacket which is moving along nicely but is ever so fine and open. To start on this kit with much larger needles, in a much thicker yarn would be quite an antithesis to the stainless. The photos I take daily on flickr are getting grittier and rustier, which is quite the extreme to the things I pick out to have around me which are usually crisp and clean, polished, monochrome or exact in some way. I like these dichotomies. I like extremes and opposites, and I like to twist things to be something else, interpreted another way - to see other things.

But there is another extreme which is causing angst and frustration, and which I cannot reconcile, even at 1am as I type and try to find complete tiredness to sleep. In a weeks time I return to work. This time round I have so much more concern about leaving and seperating the mother from the worker. It seems a much bigger deal this time round. My baby is growing up, no longer a baby but rapidly becoming a toddler as she strikes out on her own two legs and starts walking [this weekend's trick], and I am so conscious of this time moving far too quickly, never to be repeated. I am pulling part of myself away from her for part of the week to work, and I feel so sad for the time I no longer will have exclusively with her. The pulling and tugging of heart over mind over practicality are the hardest extremes to manage.

I need the softness of a puff of wool linen to wrap me.

Comments

[patricia]

I remember that. Going back to work was a big undertaking. I hope that this transition goes smoothly and as painlessly as possible. You're right it goes by sooo fast.

Wool... oh so beautiful and I'm allergic to it. How sad is that?!

[lisa s]

oh i don't envy your transition.

extremes. does it ever feel normal?

[Pirra]

I have been reading you rblog for qiute some time now and not commented before. I understand the inner tug-of-war only too well. I never have learnt to reconcile it and so I remained a stay home mummy for 13 years, and now, now that my aby is five and going to school next year I find myself displaced. No work skills, no qualifications (I dropped out of Uni) and trying to get back in to Uni when you lack any practical experience is a nightmare.

I know the tug hurts and you wonder at what little moments you will never get back, but really, keeping yourself out there, even part time is admirable and hard and necessary in todays working environment.

Your children won't remember this time, what they will remember is how happy and loved they were and there are so many enormous milestones ahead of them to enjoy.

I'm sorry, that came across a little preachy but all I really wanted to say was, Motherhood is the greatest dichotomy of all. You do it in a lovely way.

[Christie]

everything is so different 2nd time around. as my baby girl grows up i keep thinking that this is the 'last time' for everything. everytime I put away an outgrown garment I wonder when they will be pulled out again.. it was so much easier to deal with all these new stages with my son because I knew that we would have another baby at some stage. as my daughter starts crawling I feel sad that she is less of a baby each day & sometimes I just want the world to stop for a minute.

[carlene]

I have no children, so can't comment on your struggle; I hope it gets a little easier for you!

But...I am making the same jacket, in the same colorway! I combed carefully through all the habu kits to choose the one I would wear the most (all of them are beautiful), and this one, in the same deep charcoal, is now mine. Are you going to use the buttons they show, or pick others? I'm going to try to hunt down something different I think. Maybe matte pewter...

[kirsten]

i feel for you returning to work... i am so much more conscious of the fleeting precious moments of time that is my daughter's life. i feel it more keenly this second time and realise how quickly it passes into full blown childhood.
my thoughts are with you.

[greenolive]

In my semantics class at art college we learnt that you can't understand what happy means if you haven't experienced its opposite, sad. So, maybe extremes or opposites are what we need to really appreciate the other thing. I'm a black and while girl myself and sometimes I find someone reminds me we need shades of grey too. Usually just when I need to see the grey. Good luck for first day back. I have my own first day on 27 August.

[joyce]

ah! little pia is walking. i'm still waiting for ava to do that trick.
how hard it is to go back to work. i just took 6 days off and dread going back again.

[sooz]

Walking?! Holy moly. It's funny I think of Pia as being just a fraction older than Wil (even though I know it is more). I can't even for a second imagine him walking! Hope the tansition to the new routine goes as smoothly as possible and with the minimum of inner conflict.

[Carson]

Yeah, you do need that.

Oh, the angst of all these major decisions we make in our life. At least you're not pretending it's not there.
I had noticed the increasingly divergent dichotomy too :) It's interesting isn't it?

[carmel]

you were the first blog i read. ever. i continue to read your blog for your stunning photos and wonderfully evocative way with words. sometimes i find you too hard to read - when you are so raw, fragile, vulnerable - i just find it too much. but i'm absolutely mesmerised by your blog. it is beautiful, elegant, dignified, surprising. always. just love it.

i've started my own blog. you are very inspiring. hope you don't mind that i've linked to you. seems like half the world has done this anyway. half the world knows when they're on to a good thing. you are the deal, you really are.

[filambulle]

May I send you a big virtual hug?
And maybe this would be the time to send you some swiss chocolate? Which one would you like to taste now? Do you need sweet milk one? Or strong dark one? I am ready to take your order!
;-)
xo

[Fiona]

Best of luck with your transition to work, Al. I'm sure you and Pia will find places in your new routine that are just as special in their own way. Take care.

[Gabrielle]

I know just the feeling, going back to work after living such a totally enmeshed life with my baby, it is hard to think of him having separate experiences and memories now he is spending time away from me. He seems to be growing and changing so quickly, and I love each new stage, but also miss the cuddly little baby who is rapidly being replaced by a more determined and independent little person. It hasn't been all bad though, I think he is enjoying the new interactions and the peaceful environment at childcare, and I have been learning a lot from the calm way that his carers manage him and so easily get him into a good routine. I think the time out might also recharge my batteries so that I can be more present with him when I'm home. If only we could slow things down just a bit!

[shula]

Knit.

[jane]

Hi,
I have 4 children and over the years have given them as much time as I could, working part time whilst they were in school for example.
In september the youngset of them will go away to university and we will have noone left at home.
My stomach lurches at the thought of it, but I have to add that as all of my children have grown up, the pain of leaving one stage behind is always balanced by the pleasure gained from seeing them become more independent, gradually turning into adults in their own rights. Their achievements amaze me now at least as much as when they were little, more so in a way, because becoming a successful adult (ie happy, creative,balanced etc)isn't easy...as we all know.
Sorry to ramble, I know you're facing a difficult time and I don't mean to sound trite. I just think that at any stage in raising a family there are some benefits to be gained stepping back and looking at the broader picture, and usually it's pretty amazing.
That said, if I could stop the clock for a bit.....

[stinkerbell]

we all need that softness to soothe and buffer us from the outside...

[Rebecca]

When I read this I actually had to go back and check - it seems only yesterday that I read your birth story (that gave me so much hope for my next time round) where has the time gone?

I totally understand how youre feeling and hope that you find a way through that works for you all.

[charlotte]

Alison. Oh. I can't believe it. I don't know what to say. My intial reaction is noooooooo.

Once you're back working part time you'll no doubt enjoy it a lot. And Pia will have lots of fun too, meeting new people, playing new games...

And if you don't like it you can always change it!

[Alex]

Just do it and see how things work out. If they don't, they don't. Otherwise they do and you'll be happy.
My best wishes for you.

[rebecca]

I can't believe Pia is walking! Holy cow time flies. I too have one slightly younger and can't imagine that day when he walks. But given his need for movement, it's really probably not that far off.

I never EVER imagined being a stay at home mom. Or having kids for that matter. And yet, here I am. A glorious little boy who is now 5 months old, and time is already flying. Reading your post, and the comments has made me cry. I know it will pass all too fast, even though on any given day chances are I am wishing for a break from it all (but really only for an hour).

My heart is with you. And your kids will remember how you love them, not that you worked.

[amisha]

oh alison... i owe you an email but for now a tight hug your way and hopes for warm enveloping softness to ease the transition. it seems that the best thing is not to deny the extremes but embrace them as you are, know that they are there and that they pull at each other but they coexist-- and that sometimes one extreme doesn't exist without the other.
xox

[wendy]

Wrapping, hugging, comforting it seems you need all of these right now. You obviously have a very loving relationship with Pia and no doubt it will be hard to say goodbye when you leave her. But in a way you will appreciate her even more than ever with a degree of seperation and you will have the delicious anticipation of seeing her again everytime you come home from work. I hope it works out well for you.