REGENERATION

After my last post, I had a chance to stop. And reflect. I very almost took the post down. But decided to leave it up.

I am just a normal mother. I am just like every other mother. And every other mother is just like me. There is not one mother out there who has not had the days I’ve had. Many of you have had much worse. I have never claimed to be special because of those days. They happen. I’ve read many similar posts on just about every other blog that involves children of some sort. I have loved every single one of you who have returned emails or comments saying ‘I hear you, we’re having that day too’. There is immense comfort in the collective feeling. But it’s not always about home baked lasagna, home made playdough, and great handmade outfits. If I were to portray my life as perfect, clean, uncluttered, and surreal in it’s designer sparkliness and creative play, I would be incredibly untrue to myself. It doesn’t make me sick, or unstable in any way, although I am very touched by the number of you with genuine concern for my wellbeing.

The truth is that sometimes motherhood is lonely. Add a few weeks of very wet weather, two children, housebound days of little adult interaction, everyone going mad for pent up energy needing to be released through daily walks, a husband away and a truck load of small things going wrong, and I’m pretty sure most of you would think exactly what I wrote. I just said it out loud. For once I gave myself a voice – not the sewing, or the knitting, or the children. Me. Who am I? I’m the most important person here. I make it all work. And sometimes I need a voice. And this little blog here is my voice – and it just happens that recently it is a whingy whiny voice. What would normally have been conversations with my husband or with friends, became blog posts instead. For every word I typed up here, I felt immensely better behind the scenes. I put it up here, I let it out, I released it. I can, have, will, draw incredible strength and confidence from the comments you leave and the support and love you all have sent. I cannot stress that enough. And I am very aware that my voice, is also the voice of many of you, and I really want to give your stories validation as well. I am eternally grateful for the company you provided these last few weeks.

I want to assure you that I am really, very OK. I slept terribly every single night while Mr 6.5st was away. The children slept terribly every single night he was away. I missed him a lot – more than I realized I would. Yes, I cried. I did have some help for part of the time, but help is generally 3 hours away, and not on call for all its wonderfulness when it is around. Sleep deprivation, really, it sucks. Mr 6.5st is home now, and I have started sleeping well. The nonstop rain has gone. A major stress in where Max would go to school next year has this week been sorted, and that’s made a massive difference to stress levels. The TV which broke down finally (didn’t mention that one did I!) has been replaced. The water pressure has been fine. Today Max skipped up the street playing hide and seek with us, and all of us played well together as parents and children all day. He helped me take photos through the laneways, I bought him chocolate. Pia crawled. And has a tooth.

Someone wrote to me privately and said ‘Alison, you try and do too much’. I agree. I do. I always have done. It’s what drives me. It drives me to highs, and to lows. I do realize when I’ve reached my limits, and I knew I’d hit overload a few months ago – I needed to start cutting back and taking some of my self imposed deadlines off the register. What is not apparent here, is that I have many little things in place to help achieve balance, and maintain it – I made a lot of changes while going through PND with Max, have maintained them, and have now been completely medication free for over 2 years – there wasn’t even drugs involved in Pia’s birth, and at this point I don’t see a need to change that. I do have mild PND now. I have always been open and honest, both here on the blog and in real life, about my journey with it through Max, and I intend to be so again here. I work hard to minimize the incredible social stigmas which are placed on people with depression, and in particular mothers with PND. I do not feel I need to state it implicitly in everything I do – it is a deep part of me, and my feelings on it returning a second time are varied. I will say it is not new, did not start because the water pressure went off, and is actually quite controlled after months, and years, of acupuncture. I sought help very early on to prevent it taking further hold. It does not mean I am incapacitated, or a mental wreck. It does mean I feel tiredness more, and overwhelmed more, but it is very much within the realms of manageable.

I took a blog break because Mr 6.5st was going to be away and I knew I wouldn’t have time to blog, or sew. I knew his trip would be hard on me physically and mentally, and to a certain degree I gave in to that, allowed myself to be overwhelmed, felt the rawness, and allowed the thoughts to run wherever they needed to go. Then, after that, I could throw them all out and start again. It’s probably not the most streamlined way of approaching things, but it’s the way I find true clarity. I have always thought way too much.

I wanted to take a step back, and reassess what I’m doing, and why. What projects I could do next, how I want to schedule some things, like starting an Etsy shop, and getting some stock finished for it. I wanted to just focus back on the basics. And I did get a little worried when that didn’t happen immediately, but you can’t put time lines on that. I do now feel calmer about direction, and the time out has given me the chance to step back from my own pressures of what to achieve, the pressures of blogging and keeping up with blogs. The Etsy shop will start off small with items as I can get them done. And that’s just the way it will be.

I feel great for writing about Me, and for Me. For being honest about what’s going on with Me. Because it all gives meaning to the work that gets produced later on. Michelle said it best in a comment on the last post: “I find that these periods of struggle and frustration and feelings of being bound and constricted invariably come before something wonderful happens creatively”. Yes. Exactly. She was excited for me! I hope you will be too. Because I am.

It is the winter solstice – from today the days get longer, the light will stay a little longer, the heat will begin to return.

Comments

[shula]

Yo.

[michelle giacobello]

Bring it on Alison - nice and slow.
You rock :)

[teresa m]

so clear. so honest.

[Claudia]

I've said it before, but it's your honesty that keeps us coming back. Take care of you, Alison.

[Carson]

Well put

[zose]

yep. i'm there.

baby No.3 (my darling boy, Darby North) is 2 weeks old today and next thursady I'm going back on my anti-anxiety pills.

The noise in my head is too great to shoo away, and I'm REALLY effing fed up with biting the heads off my other kids for being just who they are, and quite reasonable ones to boot.

I feel for you, with my own husband who sometimes goes for work, and my own extended family also 3 hours away.

I think the most important thing I keep in mind is that it is so unreasonable to expect mums to mother the way we do now. It is a collective job, not meant to occur in a small inner city home with just one or two adults.

It should be kids running with kids, and women actively assisting in each other's homes.

Since my own PND began 4 years ago with my first baby, I have learned to ask for help. I've also learned never to expect it, and that it can often come from the most perplexing places.

The hardest thing is getting my own mother to understand that my mental situation is a chemical imbalance, not just me being "tired and irrational".

I hope you have been in the sun today, I was, and I feel my bones are better for it :)

[Rebecca]

So happy to hear you're feeling better today - I can really relate to what you are going through right now but can see the sunshine appearing - looking forward to all it brings!

[Christie]

Glad Mr 6.5st is back, I find it very hard without the support of my husband. I go crazy without an adult to converse with/complain to! Happy Winter Solitice, you are right, the days are only going to get longer & warmer so things are looking up!

[kim at allconsuming]

You know, I read your last post and kept coming back to it time and time again. I didn't leave a comment because I've only just 'found' you and it just didn't feel right to do so.

And now here I am, leaving a comment but not really sure of what to say. If anything at all.

I guess just to let you know that you're heard.

[Carmen]

...and here, in Canada, it's the summer solstice, with the days slowly getting shorter....
Enjoyed your entry today so much. And yes, it IS important to give a voice to it all!

[Beth H]

I feel like I'm there right now too. Seems as if every little thing strikes me to the core and I have to trudge through the day. It's happened before and it passes some how, but after reading your post I feel like I need to take an active role in the resolution.

Thank you so much for your honesty! and timing of this post!

[Sasha]

Alison, Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. And I am glad that things are better.

[Collette]

I thought about commenting on the last post but I don't have kids and felt a little weird about empathizing. But I have felt the same way and I appreciate your honesty and sharing in both the last as well as this post. And I like hearing your voice--your thoughts. I'm glad you're doing better.

[Lilbird]

Glad to hear you are ok......I didn't realize you had experience with PND (assuming that is that same thing as PPD here in the States). I have battled severe depression since I was 15 (complicated by having my thyroid removed). Sometimes it sweeps over me from out of nowhere and other times I feel like it's ancient history. It's good to hear you face it head-on and are aware of the 'signs'.

Keep taking good care of yourself and your family!

[penny]

Bravo - for telling it how it is and for your unique and treasured voice - you give so much, more than you know and I for one am truly grateful for your gift

[penny]

Bravo - for telling it how it is and for your unique and treasured voice - you give so much, more than you know and I for one am truly grateful for your gift

[Cruz]

Yes, Allison! Thank you so much for your bravery and honestly. So many people suffer from depression in silence. I would be very interested in learning about the treatment of depression with acunucture; I hate taking pills! Again, THANK YOU for speaking (blogging) out loud.

[Amanda]

I'm glad that you're taking care of you. It's so important and yet so easy to put off, the taking care of mama. And I know how bleak things can get deep in the middle of winter. Hang in there and know that there are lots out here thinking about you.

[jennifer]

breathe. the sun will shine more every day, greeting you and yours with the hope of what is yet to come. and there is much ahead for everyone. believe that. because it is so.

i've been there, as have so many of us. take it one day, one moment at a time if you need to and remember that the sun shines for us all. :-)

p.s. and the Etsy shop idea is stellar - it helped and inspired me to endulge my creativity and i wish that same magical feeling for you.

[Ling]

Glad to see that things are better and glad to see that you are taking care of yourself. I hear you about the kids and trying to make everything perfection. Sometimes, it doesn't happen, but when it does, life is beautiful.

Looking forward to your new burst of creativity. Take care.

[sarah]

as always, a beautiful post, bravo xxx

[Miss Marzie]

Alison, I have just read your post - well done for getting it all out. I know exactly what you are going through - my hubby is away alot and I have severe PND. My creativity has been my saviour - that is what has got me through along with my 'happy pills'. I always make time in my busy schedule to have a sewing day. I just love it and I come out feeling so refreshed.
Hope you feel better now that you have verbalised your feelings. Well done.

[M-H]

Excellent post. Thanks for taking the time and for your honesty.

[mamie]

alison, thank you. said many times before this comment and meant as truly as the others. i feel sometimes we blog our lives of craft/home/desire with a filter on our feelings to keep some things at bay. it is true no one reading sees you daily and it is good to know the posts aided in releasing some of the 'stuff'. it does help to know i am not alone in feelings of overwhelming/sleep dep/etc. in the mama-hood/life thing. and to remember it gets better.

[erin]

your honesty is refreshing. i am sure there are many, many people who have been where you are and that this will help them immensely. thanks.