six and a half stitches

Is There Light At The End of The Tunnel?

I wanted to write about something quite serious which affects up to 21% of new mothers, and which is still a 'hidden' part of motherhood; unspoken in mothers groups, often left undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, and surrounded by feelings of guilt and loneliness by mothers.

It's PND. Post Natal Depression.

I've struggled with this for a year, only recently seeking help which I should have sought a year ago, but was too stubborn, stoic or stupid to do at the time. It wasn't until I could cry no more tears and felt like a zombi walking through the world that I decided enough was enough.

Today I started a therapy group. 14 women, all going through the same thing. All scared. All anxious. All gratefull for support and the knowing nods of the others around them. All of us still trying to hold it together. All of us wondering whether we should be taking medication, or not. And all of us wishing the world understood us without the need for us to scream.

It should have been a really positive day, enlightening or somehow cathartic. But I'm shattered. The enormity of it all has hit home. The unrelenting strain of appearing OK, just to get through the day. The sheer loneliness of it all. And the mammoth task, so it seems, of getting back on track and getting well. I've never felt more alone than I do now.

I've carried so much guilt around about Max's birth, and breastfeeding, both of which weren't how I 'planned'. I'm dealing with that now, and feel more pragmatic about those outcomes, but I still have my 'what if I'd done things differently' days. I am extremely good at self blame. Now I just seem to have a paranoia about everything. I blame myself for everything, irrespective of logic or reason. There are days I feel I could explode with the pressure I put on myself and the anxiety of feeling so vulnerable.

And when the loneliness subsides a little, I am swept away with exhaustion which bores right through me. If I could sleep and sleep and sleep I might feel better, but the reality still comes back the next day.

I love my child completely. He is an angel. And one day he'll see his mother for who she really is. And I hope that day will be one day soon. If you've read this far, thankyou for listening. If you think you know someone with PND, reach out and help them, talk to them, ask them to talk back, and be there for them.

Its raining its pouring

And I'd like to be snoring and fast asleep on the couch, but I'm working. It's a funny day - funny things are in the air. Including this post about a damn good bout of retail therapy for someone with supposedly more money than I have.

I've jumped ahead and started Lara because I got tired of simply stroking the wonderful Alpaca Silk and desperately wanted to start knitting with it. And it is such a dream to knit with, so smooth, so soft, so quick. I'm still debating whether this will constitute mindless knitting for SSK on Saturday, and whether it will survive Latte froth and Vanilla Rice. Probably not. Better have a mindless knitting fall back option (what, like last time you mean...knit 2 rows, frog 3) just in case.

The Clapotis (note - every time I say that word in my head, it's instantly proceeded with Clippety Clop, Clippety Clop and the sound of horses neighing. I told you there were funny things in the air) scarf is lingering awfully close to the frog pond. Its a great scarf. It looks lovely. The wool looks nice. It's slow though. I want more instant gratification. The wool is very thin for the needles. I want to take out the stitch markers. Then I might like it a bit more. I hope. I want to like it. Really. And I desperately want to rip rows out later. I think I might enjoy a bit of ripping. Frou Frou and Destructive Ripping in one week. What must you all be thinking. No wonder my SP3 has dissapeared! I've frightened her off for sure.

And I posted off the second parcel to my Secret Pal, and I'm damned if I'm not a bit sad to see it go because it was a lovely package as well and all mightily colour coordinated. I can't wait to hear how she likes it.

Work calls (or screams as the case may be).

Bless her little cotton socks

I've finished I've finished I've finished
Hoorah Hoorah Hoorah

I just have to weave in the ends for Charlottes Web and I'm done. I decided not to fringe it or edge it. Bad knitter I know, but it works for me.

Charlotte is a mature student who applies herself well and works hard

I feel I am on the home stretch with Charlotte, and nearing the end of the 4th colour/5th colour transition, which means NEARLY FINISHED!!!! **

While I have been knitting, I have been quite amazed at the colours this wool has. And each row I come across another colour combination, and I thought it would be nice to photograph some of those colours. I haven't seen any other photos 'up close and personal', and I can understand why - it's bloody difficult to photograph up close without a macro lense. The colours get distorted, the intimacy of them dissapears.....etc etc. But I'm going to post them anyway.

3 images is overkill, but I couldn't decide which ones to cut. Sorry.

** You will note I did not make good on my promise to Charlotte to use stitch markers. We had a long chat about this, and I explained my intense dislike of stitch markers along her length and she was fine with it. I hated them in there, and they confused me and we've got along quite well without them.

PINK FLUFFY BLING BLING - HOW I CAME TO JOIN THE CLAPOTIS KNITALONG

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: AM I REALLY THAT SHALLOW?

Most people I know would agree I am NOT a pink fluffy bling bling kind of gal. Frou Frou; I do not do. My dear friend Clementine has categorically stated pink is a bit of a news item for her when it comes to me as well, so it must be true. So it has taken me by suprise a little to discover I am a pink ball of fluff with retro pink metallic aluminium dpn's, especially considering I desperately wanted to be turbo charged because the photo was way much nicer.....But actually I quite like pink. All pinks, except maybe Barbie pink, and in particular I like strong pinks merging with reds. I am drawn to pinks even though I am not always comfortable with the idea of owning them. I still have the whole pink=fluffy=froufrou=blonde bimbo thing going on, which is terribly unfair on pinks, and blondes.

It will now come as no suprise then, that I covert from the new issue of Knitty the Leaf and Wave shawl, and Clapotis, all because they're in pink (actually the black helps a lot too). Clapotis hit me on the head during a bus trip to work this week, because I have the perfect wool sitting there in my stash waiting for it. And it's all pinks of various shades along with some other dusty colours, lace weight wool from Danette Taylor. And then I had a little peek to see if there was a knitalong, because sometimes its nice to have company, and there is - thankyou Mothheaven for hosting this. But the deciding factor in whether I joined the knitalong was not time, energy, money, life ambition.

It was because the little button was pink and I thought it would look cute on my blog alongside some of the other buttons.
Am I really that shallow?
Yes.

Happiness

In reading though my daily list of blogs, I read Burnt Orange's post about what is making her happy at the moment, and recently. I've been in a rather introspective mood recently, sorting through stuff in my head, dealing with some big issues, and I realise how easy it is to loose track of what is great, and important. Sometimes you need to stop and remind yourself about little things which touch you, make you smile, and make your day better. So here is my list, and it would be lovely to read other peoples lists.

1. The babblings of young children and the joy they get from playgrounds.
2. Watching the buds and leaves forming on my Mandarin and Frangipani trees.
3. Finishing projects I've been struggling with for a few months.
4. Making ice cream and eating it as soon as you can with fresh baked biscotti and Limoncello.
5. Sorting through random photos and images of time/place/memory which suggest something hidden.
6. Toasted muffins
7. The generosity of the ladies at the Dairy Bell ice cream factory in their baby cone servings and free cones for babies.
8. Parrots singing in the trees as they eat the new nectar.
9. Long walks through back lanes with my family as we talk and dream, stopping to inspect every gate and doorstep with my little boy.
10. The changing light in the evenings which means summer is coming, which means I don't have to always go out with a coat or a jumper, and I can even start wearing sleeveless tops through the day.

What makes you happy?

The Best Of Friends

How perfect is Koigu for Charlottes web!!!! Very, if you ask me. We're all getting along just swell as long as I concentrate, and stop and count stitches at the end of every pattern row.

I love watching the colours unfolding - just magic.

Yesterday I learnt a valuable lesson, which I should have learnt a few months ago and didn't. That is, it's not good to do pattern work when in a room full of chatting people. Next time I go to SSK I will be taking mindless knitting. Really mindless knitting. I did in fact take such knitting yesterday, but decided in my infinite wisdom, that I would 'just do a couple of rows of Charlotte, to satisfy myself'. 2 hours later and 3 rows ripped out very carefully, and it was time to go and the mindless knitting hardly ventured out of the bag.....

On Friday night I had a rare night out with a girlfriend. We went to see one of my best friends perform. She's a celloist with the Brandenburg Orchestra, and at this performance she was doing a solo on the Gamba - an instrument she has had to learn to play only recently. She's a star, and the performace was just wonderful.

Let Noro Join The Love-In

What can I say - the boy has taste.

Is Don(e), Is Good

There are some things in the blog world you learn pretty quickly. And one of those things is that people finish stuff at a cracking pace. There are some people who seem to be posting pictures of FO's every week. This is largely, I figure, because people have an extraordinary amount of Works In Progress. I've not been a huge one for this, mainly because I'm not terribly good at finishing stuff if I have too much on the go.

I've posted a lot about wool purchases....which is damn important stuff (right??), and rambled a lot about what I would like to make, as if that somehow validates everything as 'real'. But it's been a while since I posted a finished object that was actually knitted. Today, however, I present to you - the finished Rowan Marshall.

Since it was a glorious spring day, we spent the morning blocking. Master M helped, erm, umm, press? the jumper, ahermmm.

And helped measure it all up while I pinned.

I've had a love/hate relationship with this jumper - it's been a joy and a trial and I'm bloody glad its finished. Its not a difficult pattern, but its incredibly time consuming, and unforgiving of mistakes. However the results when finished are really very nice. It's taken just over 2 months to do, and the sense of 'getting my life back' is immense!! And the Rowan Wool Cotton has been really nice to work with. Master M better well wear it till it's threadbare!

His shoes were clean, by the way.

POUCH

I came across these in my daily travels, courtesy of Loobylu and I think they're adorable.